Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
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She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
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Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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