found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
