Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I lost the right to judge tonight
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
