I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
