happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
