Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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