Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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