What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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