Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
it's great music for shaving your balls
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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