I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
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We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
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I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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