a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
