Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
