I should be sponsored by Trojan
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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