Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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