When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
