What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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