guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
