If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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