You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
