Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
