I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?