Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk