sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.