got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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