so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
