I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
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I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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