I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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