So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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