I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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