Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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