don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
