he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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