Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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