look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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