dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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