Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
