like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
