omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
