he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
tell me about the eggs
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
