Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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