I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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