More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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