Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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