If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She bit a glass in half.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
