i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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