i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
