I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
