I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
