I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
