i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
