Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
