he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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