my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
