I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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