Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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