During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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