i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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